has come to an end.

What do you do when nothing is the way you thought it was supposed to be?

That’s a question I’ve struggled and thought through for a while now. It’s one of those realities that I think somewhere in life we all must just come to terms with. Nothing is ever the way you thought it was going to be, and truth be told nothing is supposed to be the way you thought it was going to be. That’s the beauty and the fear of not being in control.

The journey of a thousand miles was short lived and short walked. I am not proud to say this but I am officially divorced from Humphrey. I am not proud to have this announced to the world. And I am not proud that I failed to do the one thing I set out not to do … fail. The reality was that from the beginning the journey was a disaster in the making, and I married a man very different from the one I fell in love with. Its funny sometimes how you can be so sure about something in a moment, and the very next moment realize you weren’t so sure at all. I could go on and on about the battle I struggled through to get to this decision, but in some ways I feel that’s very irrelevant. The point is that I am at peace with the decision I have made, and I thank God that I feel like I did the best I can with what I was given.

The miracle in everything is that through the process I have changed, I have grown, I have learned, I have lived, and I have loved in ways I never would have. Psalm 119:114 screams such a beautiful truth to me when it says, “You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.” My hope is definitely in the word of the Lord, and I have found freedom in not being bound by my own false premises of who God is. I REFUSE to box God in any longer.

You, whoever you are reading this, may not agree with my decision. You may think I’ve done the very worst thing I could have done. BUT I have done the very best thing FOR ME, and I am proud to say it’s one of the few things I’ve ever done for myself because I feel on some level that I deserve better. I feel on some level that God created me to be loved whole and fully and to love whole and fully. I seek that precious love that Jesus shares with us - the pure beautiful sustaining kind of love. And I am so thankful that I can say that through the journey of a thousand miles I have loved myself and allowed myself to be loved with that kind of love.

Here is where the journey ends,  BUT one journey’s end is simply another journeys beginning, I praise God for every new beginning and that his mercies are renewed daily!

<3 Kayla

is your journey!

I was sitting having lunch with a very beautiful well respected woman in my life, and she said something that made me really think. She said, "Kayla, your mistakes will be your own mistakes". It seems obvious right, but its not. Its not obvious to the over achieving, people pleasing, perfectionist that seems to take over in me at times. Its not obvious to the need to be successful, trying hard to do everything right young adult that ive watched myself become. The thing is - she is right - every single person will make their own mistakes and their mistakes will be their own, and that is okay.

No one is perfect. As I look over these past few months I see so many mistakes ive made. I see choices that I could have made differently. I see things I should have done. I see things I should not have done. The point is that every single bit of that makes me who I am. Every single bit of it (the joys and triumphs) make this MY journey. This is MY journey and no one else can take that from us unless we choose to let them.

That brings me to my final point, we dont know what journey people are on. I always say you cant understand someone truly until you know their story because their story makes them who they are. In reality, we can not just look at people and KNOW their stories. Stories are shared through trust and relationships, and its through our stories that we learn to embrace the things in us that maybe are not so Jesus like. In turn we learn to embrace the grace and mercy that Jesus provides in exchange for those things.

This picture makes me wonder about this little boy's story, and it ignites in my heart that desire to truly learn to UNDERSTAND people. I want my life to be lived in a way that I can say I tried to understand, I tried to love with all I had, I made mistakes, BUT I lived MY journey!

means sitting at the feet of Jesus.

I was looking through my pictures from Africa, and these two struck me. First of all these two pictures just make my heart happy, but on a deeper level they challenged me to think about some things.

Ive already shared that in many ways marriage has challenged me to truly evaluate my relationship with God. In the book ive been reading, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, he talks about two different view points on marriage. First, there is the human-centered view of marriage which says that we stay put as long as our desires and expectations are being met, and then there is a Godcentered view of marriage where we preserve marriage because it brings glory to God and points a sinful world to a reconciling Creator.

As I think about these two different view points it makes me reflect on what my relationship with God is like. I so often run after God when I need something from Him. I know that at times we all do. If we dont feel like things are going the way we want them to, if we need help, if we are struggling, if we are discerning where to go -- these are all things that help us to chase after God or sometimes to run away from God. The point is when our needs are not being met we have this desire in us to fight to meet those needs. BUT, in reality the only thing that will truly ever fulfill our God given needs is the God who gave us those needs. He deeply desires for us to be by his side no matter what because his love for us and our steadfast relationship with Him are the only things that point a sinful world to Him! More importantly, being at the feet of Jesus is the only thing that truly allows our hearts to be content and for us as his creation to truly be filled.

These pictures remind me to run and sit at the feet of Jesus, and to chase after him with all thats within me because I desire to be near him with a true desperation! I know he is the only one who has absoultly everything I need!

is step by step!

Our paperwork has been accepted at USCIS (US Citizenship and Immigration Services)! This is a big deal and a huge step because it means that thankfully USCIS has at least felt we have sent all neccessarry preliminary documentation to proceed to the actual processing of our paperwork! Amen! This is definitely an answered prayer, and the very first step in getting to be with my husband permanantely!

Next I will be recieving a form in the mail that will be my official recepit notice. With this form I will mail off part two of our paperwork, and hopefully after that Humphry will be contacted for an interview at the United States Embassy in Yaounde. If his interview goes well then he will be granted a visa! Thank you for those of you who are continuing to walk through this with us, and most importantly thank you to those of you who are praying through this with us! We truly believe with God all things are possible! We know that God brought us together, and believe through his power we will be reunited soon! We know that this will be a process, and step by step is the only way we will get through it all!

Love!
Kayla

means new experiences!

So this blog is to catch everyone up on my experience's in Africa, and things we did besides getting married. First of all Africa is beautiful, and anyone who has never gotten an opportunity to go please please please go! Its just this incredible place! Besides getting married, I thoroughly got to enjoy Cameroon! We went to two different beaches, went to two schools, went to an orphanage, visited lots of his family, took lots of walks, spent time with his friends, visited our land, and ate lots and lots of food. I didnt get to take pictures at the orphanage for protection of the kiddos there, but here was the welcome song the kids at the school sang to us! They always know how to capture my heart, and respecting visitors is a BIG deal in Cameroon. Whenever you enter a classroom the first thing the children do is say: "Good Morning Madam" and then "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.". So so true!

Also, I got to walk through the jungle this time while I was in Cameroon! That was a major new experience! Humphry and I have some land that is basically in the middle of the jungle. The land is currently being used to grow plantains, coca plants, patatoes, and all kinds of things! My husband assures me that this isnt really the jungle, but I beg to differ. I bet you will too once you see this place! Its no doubt beautiful, but its definitely a jungle!

And finally, of course in Africa there are all kinds of new foods! In some of the pictures I posted on facebook some of you saw the picture of Humphrys 's food, and went what is that? Well let me tell you! That is called Fofo and Eru. We actually made a video before I left about this which is his favorite food (see the picture below).

Needless to say, I did have a blast! I got to go on so many new adventures, and as always in Africa enjoy new experiences! I cant wait to see all the new experiences we will continue to get to have in our marriage! :) Its going to be fun!! :)

Love!

Kayla

makes you stronger!

I serve a really neat God! That’s just something I’ve spent today embracing, and more than anything embracing the reality that I serve a God who can do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

The reality is that the beginning of this marriage has been tough. Let me try that again, the beginning of this marriage has been TOUGH! For one thing I have learned so much about myself, and seen so many areas that my heart is not where I thought it was. I have had so many opportunities for choices, and the biggest challenge is learning to make those choices based on what I know I believe. In so many ways this marriage has drawn me closer to God, and helped me to understand more about who God designed me to be as his creation. So my theme song, my anthem for life right now is a song called Stronger by Mandisa. You can listen to it here:

Anywho, I’m reading a wonderful book right now called Sacred Marriage. It’s really changing my world and the overarching question it asks is: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? Interesting thought. I can say that I KNOW that God is using this marriage to draw me into holiness with him! This is the journey he designed for me and he desires for me to be on it! I am thankful that he loves me enough to give me a journey, and I appreciate how he draws me into holiness through circumstances, trials, joys, and triumphs!

Our paperwork has officially been mailed off to the United States Embassy! Woo hoo!! What a process this is going to be, but I know through everything this will make me stronger! I trust that Gods hand is over it all, and that God has a plan bigger then what I can see. Please pray for speed in processing our paperwork, and of course please pray that we get a YES so Humphrey can get over here as soon as possible!

One more thing, to those of you who are daily walking this journey with me – thank you!!! Your support, your guidance, your love, your wisdom, your prayers, and your constant pointing me to Jesus have been invaluable! I can’t say thank you enough for standing beside me, and helping to guide me where I need to be!

The journey continues …

Love!

Kayla

...is sending me home.

So I have mixed feelings. Today is Wednesday March 16, 2011. I leave Cameroon tomorrow, and this is my last night in such a beautiful place with my amazing husband!

I am so sad that I will leave here tomorrow because that means I will also be leaving him too. I keep redirecting the conversation whenever he brings up my leaving only because it really does break my heart! I have said a million and one times that I wish I could just have the best of both worlds together. Something about this place is magical, and I just want to bottle it all and take it everywhere with me!

At the same time I really really miss home! I miss my friends, my dog (yes Sammie, I miss you!), Belle (couldnt leave her out!), my language, my bed, and just not having to figure out cuturally appropriate things to do. I have cried so many times here just because I realize that either Humphry or I will always be in this position. One of us will always be missing those things that are truly a part of us.

Either way, I know that I cant have both worlds together. It is time for me to leave so that Humphry and I can begin the process of getting to be together permenantly! I have been assured by several people that the process is not as bad as it seems. This is what I am praying for. More than anythig please please pray for our hearts as we let God lead us on a different part of our journey. Also, please pray for safe flights for me! I leave here on Thursday at about 4:30PM your time!

I promise to upload tons of pictures and videos when I get home! Oh and for some comic relief...here is Humphry's best friends impersonation of how our "goodbye" will be. Hilarous! I assure you it will not be this dramatc, but I also assure you I will be crying like a big baby!

Love!

 <3 Kayla