has come to an end.

What do you do when nothing is the way you thought it was supposed to be?

That’s a question I’ve struggled and thought through for a while now. It’s one of those realities that I think somewhere in life we all must just come to terms with. Nothing is ever the way you thought it was going to be, and truth be told nothing is supposed to be the way you thought it was going to be. That’s the beauty and the fear of not being in control.

The journey of a thousand miles was short lived and short walked. I am not proud to say this but I am officially divorced from Humphrey. I am not proud to have this announced to the world. And I am not proud that I failed to do the one thing I set out not to do … fail. The reality was that from the beginning the journey was a disaster in the making, and I married a man very different from the one I fell in love with. Its funny sometimes how you can be so sure about something in a moment, and the very next moment realize you weren’t so sure at all. I could go on and on about the battle I struggled through to get to this decision, but in some ways I feel that’s very irrelevant. The point is that I am at peace with the decision I have made, and I thank God that I feel like I did the best I can with what I was given.

The miracle in everything is that through the process I have changed, I have grown, I have learned, I have lived, and I have loved in ways I never would have. Psalm 119:114 screams such a beautiful truth to me when it says, “You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.” My hope is definitely in the word of the Lord, and I have found freedom in not being bound by my own false premises of who God is. I REFUSE to box God in any longer.

You, whoever you are reading this, may not agree with my decision. You may think I’ve done the very worst thing I could have done. BUT I have done the very best thing FOR ME, and I am proud to say it’s one of the few things I’ve ever done for myself because I feel on some level that I deserve better. I feel on some level that God created me to be loved whole and fully and to love whole and fully. I seek that precious love that Jesus shares with us - the pure beautiful sustaining kind of love. And I am so thankful that I can say that through the journey of a thousand miles I have loved myself and allowed myself to be loved with that kind of love.

Here is where the journey ends,  BUT one journey’s end is simply another journeys beginning, I praise God for every new beginning and that his mercies are renewed daily!

<3 Kayla

is your journey!

I was sitting having lunch with a very beautiful well respected woman in my life, and she said something that made me really think. She said, "Kayla, your mistakes will be your own mistakes". It seems obvious right, but its not. Its not obvious to the over achieving, people pleasing, perfectionist that seems to take over in me at times. Its not obvious to the need to be successful, trying hard to do everything right young adult that ive watched myself become. The thing is - she is right - every single person will make their own mistakes and their mistakes will be their own, and that is okay.

No one is perfect. As I look over these past few months I see so many mistakes ive made. I see choices that I could have made differently. I see things I should have done. I see things I should not have done. The point is that every single bit of that makes me who I am. Every single bit of it (the joys and triumphs) make this MY journey. This is MY journey and no one else can take that from us unless we choose to let them.

That brings me to my final point, we dont know what journey people are on. I always say you cant understand someone truly until you know their story because their story makes them who they are. In reality, we can not just look at people and KNOW their stories. Stories are shared through trust and relationships, and its through our stories that we learn to embrace the things in us that maybe are not so Jesus like. In turn we learn to embrace the grace and mercy that Jesus provides in exchange for those things.

This picture makes me wonder about this little boy's story, and it ignites in my heart that desire to truly learn to UNDERSTAND people. I want my life to be lived in a way that I can say I tried to understand, I tried to love with all I had, I made mistakes, BUT I lived MY journey!

means sitting at the feet of Jesus.

I was looking through my pictures from Africa, and these two struck me. First of all these two pictures just make my heart happy, but on a deeper level they challenged me to think about some things.

Ive already shared that in many ways marriage has challenged me to truly evaluate my relationship with God. In the book ive been reading, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, he talks about two different view points on marriage. First, there is the human-centered view of marriage which says that we stay put as long as our desires and expectations are being met, and then there is a Godcentered view of marriage where we preserve marriage because it brings glory to God and points a sinful world to a reconciling Creator.

As I think about these two different view points it makes me reflect on what my relationship with God is like. I so often run after God when I need something from Him. I know that at times we all do. If we dont feel like things are going the way we want them to, if we need help, if we are struggling, if we are discerning where to go -- these are all things that help us to chase after God or sometimes to run away from God. The point is when our needs are not being met we have this desire in us to fight to meet those needs. BUT, in reality the only thing that will truly ever fulfill our God given needs is the God who gave us those needs. He deeply desires for us to be by his side no matter what because his love for us and our steadfast relationship with Him are the only things that point a sinful world to Him! More importantly, being at the feet of Jesus is the only thing that truly allows our hearts to be content and for us as his creation to truly be filled.

These pictures remind me to run and sit at the feet of Jesus, and to chase after him with all thats within me because I desire to be near him with a true desperation! I know he is the only one who has absoultly everything I need!

is step by step!

Our paperwork has been accepted at USCIS (US Citizenship and Immigration Services)! This is a big deal and a huge step because it means that thankfully USCIS has at least felt we have sent all neccessarry preliminary documentation to proceed to the actual processing of our paperwork! Amen! This is definitely an answered prayer, and the very first step in getting to be with my husband permanantely!

Next I will be recieving a form in the mail that will be my official recepit notice. With this form I will mail off part two of our paperwork, and hopefully after that Humphry will be contacted for an interview at the United States Embassy in Yaounde. If his interview goes well then he will be granted a visa! Thank you for those of you who are continuing to walk through this with us, and most importantly thank you to those of you who are praying through this with us! We truly believe with God all things are possible! We know that God brought us together, and believe through his power we will be reunited soon! We know that this will be a process, and step by step is the only way we will get through it all!

Love!
Kayla

means new experiences!

So this blog is to catch everyone up on my experience's in Africa, and things we did besides getting married. First of all Africa is beautiful, and anyone who has never gotten an opportunity to go please please please go! Its just this incredible place! Besides getting married, I thoroughly got to enjoy Cameroon! We went to two different beaches, went to two schools, went to an orphanage, visited lots of his family, took lots of walks, spent time with his friends, visited our land, and ate lots and lots of food. I didnt get to take pictures at the orphanage for protection of the kiddos there, but here was the welcome song the kids at the school sang to us! They always know how to capture my heart, and respecting visitors is a BIG deal in Cameroon. Whenever you enter a classroom the first thing the children do is say: "Good Morning Madam" and then "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.". So so true!

Also, I got to walk through the jungle this time while I was in Cameroon! That was a major new experience! Humphry and I have some land that is basically in the middle of the jungle. The land is currently being used to grow plantains, coca plants, patatoes, and all kinds of things! My husband assures me that this isnt really the jungle, but I beg to differ. I bet you will too once you see this place! Its no doubt beautiful, but its definitely a jungle!

And finally, of course in Africa there are all kinds of new foods! In some of the pictures I posted on facebook some of you saw the picture of Humphrys 's food, and went what is that? Well let me tell you! That is called Fofo and Eru. We actually made a video before I left about this which is his favorite food (see the picture below).

Needless to say, I did have a blast! I got to go on so many new adventures, and as always in Africa enjoy new experiences! I cant wait to see all the new experiences we will continue to get to have in our marriage! :) Its going to be fun!! :)

Love!

Kayla

makes you stronger!

I serve a really neat God! That’s just something I’ve spent today embracing, and more than anything embracing the reality that I serve a God who can do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

The reality is that the beginning of this marriage has been tough. Let me try that again, the beginning of this marriage has been TOUGH! For one thing I have learned so much about myself, and seen so many areas that my heart is not where I thought it was. I have had so many opportunities for choices, and the biggest challenge is learning to make those choices based on what I know I believe. In so many ways this marriage has drawn me closer to God, and helped me to understand more about who God designed me to be as his creation. So my theme song, my anthem for life right now is a song called Stronger by Mandisa. You can listen to it here:

Anywho, I’m reading a wonderful book right now called Sacred Marriage. It’s really changing my world and the overarching question it asks is: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? Interesting thought. I can say that I KNOW that God is using this marriage to draw me into holiness with him! This is the journey he designed for me and he desires for me to be on it! I am thankful that he loves me enough to give me a journey, and I appreciate how he draws me into holiness through circumstances, trials, joys, and triumphs!

Our paperwork has officially been mailed off to the United States Embassy! Woo hoo!! What a process this is going to be, but I know through everything this will make me stronger! I trust that Gods hand is over it all, and that God has a plan bigger then what I can see. Please pray for speed in processing our paperwork, and of course please pray that we get a YES so Humphrey can get over here as soon as possible!

One more thing, to those of you who are daily walking this journey with me – thank you!!! Your support, your guidance, your love, your wisdom, your prayers, and your constant pointing me to Jesus have been invaluable! I can’t say thank you enough for standing beside me, and helping to guide me where I need to be!

The journey continues …

Love!

Kayla

...is sending me home.

So I have mixed feelings. Today is Wednesday March 16, 2011. I leave Cameroon tomorrow, and this is my last night in such a beautiful place with my amazing husband!

I am so sad that I will leave here tomorrow because that means I will also be leaving him too. I keep redirecting the conversation whenever he brings up my leaving only because it really does break my heart! I have said a million and one times that I wish I could just have the best of both worlds together. Something about this place is magical, and I just want to bottle it all and take it everywhere with me!

At the same time I really really miss home! I miss my friends, my dog (yes Sammie, I miss you!), Belle (couldnt leave her out!), my language, my bed, and just not having to figure out cuturally appropriate things to do. I have cried so many times here just because I realize that either Humphry or I will always be in this position. One of us will always be missing those things that are truly a part of us.

Either way, I know that I cant have both worlds together. It is time for me to leave so that Humphry and I can begin the process of getting to be together permenantly! I have been assured by several people that the process is not as bad as it seems. This is what I am praying for. More than anythig please please pray for our hearts as we let God lead us on a different part of our journey. Also, please pray for safe flights for me! I leave here on Thursday at about 4:30PM your time!

I promise to upload tons of pictures and videos when I get home! Oh and for some comic relief...here is Humphry's best friends impersonation of how our "goodbye" will be. Hilarous! I assure you it will not be this dramatc, but I also assure you I will be crying like a big baby!

Love!

 <3 Kayla

...takes learning and laughter!

I have already learned sooooo much about marriage (ill upload a video later about this) but most of all I LOVE that ive learned to laugh and have fun with my husband! Laughter is so important, and I cant believe how much its already gotten us through. Oh the stories! (for later of course) Our connection here is ridiculously slow, but its okay because we have been crazy busy! So far we have been to the beach, the zoo, to do ministry at an orphanage, to visit lots of Humphry's family, and today we are going to a school! Woo hoo! I cant wait to teach kiddos!

All I have to say is that African beaches are amazing, and nothing makes my heart happier than doing ministry with my husband to children that are screaming auntie auntie auntie look at my picture. Hilarious!! Im getting to bring back lots of beautifully colored bible pictures, and it makes me happy that they were so proud to have me take them! In Cameroon, they call all women auntie out of respect and all men uncle. Oh and I had a little boy who grabbed onto my leg and wouldnt let go, so...we just walked together the whole day! They are so stinking precious!!

Anywho, love and miss you guys a whole whole whole lot! Oh and P.S. Dear Emily - I have gotten attacked by a billion and one mosquitos even with my bug spray! Im pretty annoyed by this and my husbands response is well sorry they dont bite me (Psh, you DO live here dear)! Anywho I am very very thankful that im taking anti-malaria pills. LOL, thanks friend! :)

<3 Kayla

...has begun!

We are officially married!! I cant even explain how excited I am, or truly recognize all of the things I have to be thankful for! Today is Sunday March 13, 2011 which means we have been married for only two days! Insane! I have been soooooo SPOILED over this past two days probably more than I ever have in my life! It has been an adjustment to allow someone to spoil me, but im starting to truly be grateful that im in a culture of people that enjoy it. Its not going to be easy to come home and leave the royal treatment behind, but im grateful to have experienced this kind of love and hospitality! :)

Some of you may be wondering where Humphry even came from since not all of you really knew about him. Its a long story that basically boils down to we met here in Cameroon in August of 2007, and God has been continually drawing us together ever since.

If I could  think of one word to truly charcterize my husband I think the word I would choos is gentleness. I cant even explain how thankful I am for this quality in him, and his ability to be an adequate leader in such a gentle fashion continually astounds me!

So yes, SURPRISE for thos of you who didnt know! Thank you to those of you who did know, and who had an incredible amount of support to offer us as we have started this journey! I feel like the luckiest girl in the world - completely loved, completely taken care of, and completely in awe of how God draws people together! The road on our journey will not always be an easy one. We are truly aware of some of the struggles that trans-continental relationships can endure, but we believe that our God is greater than anything! Please pray for us as we begin the journey to getting Humphry to the United States, and as we follow after the path that God has laid for our lives!!

Love! <3 Kayla

...takes commitment!

Today is D-day (March 11, 2011) as my soon to be husband would say! It is about 8:00am here which is about 1:00am Texas time, and I am just a million piles of emotions! I am dressed, waiting for breakfast to be served in my room, and have already been spoiled to death! My lovely soon to be husband booked me a very nice hotel to spend my first night in. The bed was extremely comfortable, there is a full bathroom in it, I felt extremely safe, and I had HOT water this morning! Okay – for those of you who have never been anywhere in Africa – you don’t understand how much of a RARE commodity these things are! I thought I was going to pass out when I realized I got to have a hot shower this morning! Anywho, my African clothing is beautiful! Humphry did an excellent job having my dress made, and we will leave here around 9:00 to head to the council to get married. After this he has planned a reception for us with family and friends! I realized this morning how much I miss all of you, and how sad I am that I don’t have some of the people closest to me here! I didn’t think it would be this hard to be getting married half way across the world, but I MISS my support system! Seriously my head is spinning because I feel like everything is happening very fast. This would be a great time to have a best friend pep talk from Emily! J I had a realization this morning that I am about to commit to be in a relationship for the rest of my life. Wow! This may seem obvious to some people, but if you truly take in the weight of that commitment you realize what a big step this is! BUT it’s okay, I am ready! This is OUR journey, and I can’t wait to see where God leads us! I’ll write details about our wedding and reception later, but just wanted to let you guys all know that I am about to become Mrs. Kayla Nicole Mwake!

<3 Kayla

...takes endurance!

Its March 10 2011, and it been a crazy day full of overwhelming emotions. I am truly tired and spent with traveling! As I sit in the Paris airport and share my life with these beautiful Cameroonian women surrounding me- I am awed! They have such beautiful stories and yet even in these beautiful stories there are extreme valleys that God has taken them through! You can sii it in their eyes – the true struggle of a woman yearning for more. One woman is actually taking her two year old son to Cameroon to leave him with her mother because she con not provide for him the life he needs. It is heartbreaking, and yet so real because I look into her eyes and see hurt, desire, and pure love.

As I look at these women, as I talk to them, and I listen to them – God is rekindling my heart for these people! There is something about them that’s just real, true, and right. There is an acceptance of others (of me) that is unexplainable but so real. There’s an overwhelming since of support and love. In the midst of these hours with these women I have learned the value of endurance. I am reminded that no matter how many times it feels like life may knock you down – you MUST get back up! God did not create in us a desire to settle for anything less than his best for us, and sometimes this means we will have to work that much harder to achieve what he wants for us!

Humphry- no matter how many times life, people, circumstances, and trials knock us down one promise I give you is to give you everything I have to help us get back up. I can say in its own way your culture has taught me that, and I will be forever grateful.

Almost in Cameroon!

<3 Kayla

...begins with one step!

How true it is that life is all about the journey! I am learning to embrace and enjoy the journey! It is terrifying at times, and exhilirating at others BUT I would have it no other way! Today is March 8 2011 which means I leave for Cameroon, Africa tomorrow. I'm excited, nervous, and every other kind of mix of emotions that could probably be going on right now BUT in the midst of it all my heart knows this is right!

God is so beautiful. He crafts things perfectly, and he is the grand orchestrator of grand things. Sometimes I stop to look at my life, and I realize that even in the chaos God crafted beauty. It was out of my chaos that God drew me unto himself, and even gave me a passion for Africa. It was out of my passion for Africa that God provided and took me to Cameroon. It was in this beautiful nation of Cameroon that God hand picked Humphry to be on my volunteer team. It was through my experience with Humphry that God wooed my heart to be with a man that I truly believe was created just for me.

Wow, I can do nothing but say thank you God! Thank you that you love me enough to put together a story for me that is not finished! You put together a story that you are still writing, and as I step each day on my journey I will remember that LIFE is about the journey. I should not waste my journey away, I should not wish my journey away, BUT I should embrace all that you have laid before me. Step by step you are leading me to a grand destination.

Africa here I come. Marriage here we come. Life we are ready for the journey before us!